Another Two Post-er. Oh Well...

You must go here; now. I don't know if you know of my current situation but if you'd just go visit Ashton's blog for me and make it super popular, I'd be extremely happy again. Maybe I'll start a contest of it...

First here's a picture of how awesome it is. I love you Keely. Please forgive my unhappiness. Please please...

And the link...

Ashton Pheonix Holt's Amazing Blog

Now be good, don't get into trouble, and make the best of life. I'm still miserable but I don't enjoy it, okay? I can't help it right now. I'll get better in a month when I can come back.

Done for the day,
C

I Hate My Life

I cannot stress that enough. I hate it, hate it, hate it. And for those of you who know me personally I am very sorry to say it because I know it'll break your heart to know I'm gonna cry myself to sleep every night for at least the week. After that, I don't know, I may find someone who'll play the part of my best friend at this new school, but even that would break my heart. I don't want a new best friend. I want Ashton and Scarlett and Burly and Stephan (believe it or not, Burly and Stephan are girls) and Mr. Cash back.

Now you probably don't get a word of that. Let me tell you from de beginning...

I've switched schools. Now I don't go to the beautiful place called Connections Academy, with everyone who could in essence truly be considered my family, but instead a regular public school with annoyingly stupid classes and students who bare the same qualities. I was ripped from my home and placed in the terrorous woods. And there is no way for me to go back. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

And everytime I go back to Connections Academy site just to revisit it I'll type in my login, and I'll start crying again when they won't let me in because I've been withdrawn from the site. No one knows how painful this is. No one knows how badly I hurt.

Also, I never thought I would be a new girl. Everyone has an eye on me and the teachers (yes, they do) are asking me all sorts of questions and the students are learning things--some I know and others I never was taught. But apparently I'm not enough to whip up any attention because no one talks to me--unless their curious or happen to be partnered with me. I want my HOME back.

But of course that's impossible. Mom won't let me go back. But this is horrible. Connections people are going to be learning and getting degrees and credits and everything and I'm going to be stuck rotting at this damned school. I hate it. I hate hiding the majority of my hate so I don't ruin everyone's mood any more than I have.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I don't expect you to feel sorry for me. I don't expect you to comfort or pity me. I just wanted to tell someone so maybe I could feel a little bit better.


Maybe someday.

P.S. There are no updates on Phantom of the Opera. My life is too much of a mess right now.

I'll see you all later.
C

I don't believe in two posts per day but...

I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH MISS SCARLETT YESTERDAY!!! We had (technically didn't have...) dinner at BK (original, right) and talked for a half hour, texting both after and before, and had a ton of fun. She was beautiful, by the way, and if she tries to tell you I'm prettier on her blog don't believe her--because she was WAY prettier. But she liked my eyes. That's good :)

Also, she liked me. SHE LIKED ME. The whole ride to BK I had every part of my crossed and I was chanting, "Please let her like me, Please let her like me . . ." I'm excited to see her again in a few months. I'm so glad to call her my best friend. I love her ^.^

But AGH I need to get my phone back. Currently I'm grounded for talking to people too much and not doing enough school work instead, so I haven't texting anyone in forever. And I love texting Scarlett and A' and K', and god do I miss it. AGH.

Next, I have to tell you that I'm getting kicked out of band class because of money and laws about dual enrollment. I'm pissed. My eyes are still dry from crying. And I'm a little annoyed at A' for not being there. But I don't care anymore. I'm just happy that my mom's fighting to get me back in band class :)

A Jumble of Me

Have you ever done something so horrible to a best friend, and got so many people involved in the damage, that you hated yourself for a long while? Well, that's how I feel today. Yesterday I started a fight with K', my best friend, and a lot happened. I'm just relieved she still loves me and can't bear the let me go even after what I did.

Why am I telling you this? Well, it's because everyone else has either already heard my complaints and has done their best to comfort me, or because they were involved in the damage and don't wanna hear about it. So I'm resulting to my last source because they all want the real me back as fast as possible.

But I'm not sure if I can come back. Honestly, (I've been using that word too much lately...) I just want to curl up in the corner and stay there for a few weeks, wallowing in my misery and pain and distrust of myself, until I finally die of starvation. I feel I will have been punished effectively then. A' thinks it's because I'm so hurt. But it's really because I'm so deep in the regret of what I said that it's what I feel I need to do. But A' wouldn't have any of that, and neither would anyone else.

I feel like the only time I'm truly happy anymore is in band, when I take an hour and a half break from life and pull out my alto saxophone and play next to my group of friends, all 50 of them, with the same passion for one single thing: Music. Beautiful, sweet tunes, and loud stomping elephant music. We play it all. And we love it.

I wish life had refunds. I would have used a million for just yesterday to get it right. I would give anything to go back. But I can't. And despite my wants to curl up and die, I can't do that either. I owe it to everyone I hurt to stay alive and not hurt them any more by killing myself.

But Lord, it would be so much easier if I could.