Jumbles and Jumbles of Me

I hate being bored and full of thoughts. Therefor, here is a blogpost just to empty out all my crazy, churning thoughts that never go away and get it out in random orders and as fast as I can.

You can stop reading if you want to. I'll be darting around. You don't have to follow along with my talking where I discover myself again.

First of all, I'm tired. I'm really tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not having enough time to write. I'm tired of waiting for a good time to talk to Bob. Tired of complaining about being tired of life. But oh well. I have to deal with it.

I want a hug. I want a hug from Bob, actually. I want to see into his soul everyday and all the time rather than a few lucky instants when he plays the Tom Toms without his coat, or wears a hat. Is that bad? A little touch makes me yank my arm back from instinct and yet I want more than that. So gentle he is...

That reminds me. I need a better name for Bob. Bob doesn't fit. Only his true name does. But I can't call him that. Not on here. So I need a better, soothing one like the one he has. I'm brainstorming. So from now on he will be known as 'Unknown' until I think of a better name. Which might take a while.

I think my favorite feature of Unknown is his eyes. Even though I avoid them and rarely get to actually see them I love them. They are the darkest brown, just melding with the black pupil at the middle, and on anyone else I'm sure they would be hard and strict, but on him (whens he regards me) they are the sweetest, most innocent eyes I've ever seen.

The beauty of them reminds me of my own. Or maybe it's because they two pairs are the only two I can imagine in my cluttered brain at any time. I don't know. I just know that they remind me of the other.

I think maybe it might be the deepness in them. The depth. The falling you feel when staring into them. I think maybe that signifies true beauty for me. The depth of someone, and their personality.

Sometimes I think about 'my type' and if I have one. It almost seems to me that I do, because B--I mean Unknown is so much like my last huge school-guy crush (this was actually pointed out to me in a dream...). Who knows.

Except Unknown is different from Jordan because Jordan was cruel to me--and only me--whereas Unknown is nice to me and only me. There's also quite a difference in looks--Unknown is way more beautiful. I'll be lucky if I catch him.

-C-

Let's call him Bob

It's been a while...


Okay, it hasn't been that long, but it HAS been more than two-three days, which is how often I'm supposed to post (the saturday story posts don't count...). So here's an update on me :)


First of all, I really like this guy at my new school. Let's call him Billy. No there's already a Billy there...Let's call him Bob instead. Anyways, I really really really really really REALLY you-get-the-point-really-really like him, I have the the GREAT urge to share this like--with the world. So please excuse my gushing. But I really like him. And I hope he never reads this blog so he nevers knows how crazy about him I am.


He sits by me in band, tuting a wonderful tune to his alto saxophone that I play too. His black hair is the most beautiful in the school--and I must admit--his hair (and him...) is as sexy as he declared to the band class a while back. Though I'm not jealous of him. I'm jealous of every girl who has the courage to admire and examine it.


I love how he treats everyone--including me. He teases everyone else, a certain laugh in his deep brown eyes that I love seeing, but he treats me with the gentlest motions, expressions, and words. It's makes me feel like I'm staring straight into his soul when he tears down his defenses and treats me this way.


YES! See, this is what I love about critical thinking, especially during blogging. Though it's just an idea, he could be nervous around me and like me too. He's always flipping his hair in my direction as if to catch a few last glances at me before we start a song or pack up to leave, though I never meet his eyes. I'm slow. If he tries to catch my eyes I don't realize it until he's looked away. Though I'm always aware of everything else he does. That I've trained myself to do. Also, he never outright stares like every other guy. Who knows.

Another supporting factor of the nervousness is that even though he teases everyone else, he has a real hard time teasing me. Even Roland, who he has a hard time teasing, is easier for him. I think it's because I'm so quiet or something or he doesn't know much about me, but whatever.

And I think I can openly say I'm in love with him. I get breathless at the mere thought of his name, (not Bob, I assure you...) which means I must be breathless 24/7 because he's always on my mind. I only hope he likes me back, which I doubt with my modesty and low self-esteme, but I'll keep you all updated.

For those of you who were bored with that post, I'm sorry, but he is now all I have to talk about minus the painful migranes from the painfully boring school I go to. (I'm obviously very lucky to have him) Deal with it.

Over-&-Out
C

P.S. I need to get writing again. Post anything you think would make for an interesting twist in the comments if you'd like. You don't have to know anything about my current story, so just have fun!

I Hate My Life

I cannot stress that enough. I hate it, hate it, hate it. And for those of you who know me personally I am very sorry to say it because I know it'll break your heart to know I'm gonna cry myself to sleep every night for at least the week. After that, I don't know, I may find someone who'll play the part of my best friend at this new school, but even that would break my heart. I don't want a new best friend. I want Ashton and Scarlett and Burly and Stephan (believe it or not, Burly and Stephan are girls) and Mr. Cash back.

Now you probably don't get a word of that. Let me tell you from de beginning...

I've switched schools. Now I don't go to the beautiful place called Connections Academy, with everyone who could in essence truly be considered my family, but instead a regular public school with annoyingly stupid classes and students who bare the same qualities. I was ripped from my home and placed in the terrorous woods. And there is no way for me to go back. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

And everytime I go back to Connections Academy site just to revisit it I'll type in my login, and I'll start crying again when they won't let me in because I've been withdrawn from the site. No one knows how painful this is. No one knows how badly I hurt.

Also, I never thought I would be a new girl. Everyone has an eye on me and the teachers (yes, they do) are asking me all sorts of questions and the students are learning things--some I know and others I never was taught. But apparently I'm not enough to whip up any attention because no one talks to me--unless their curious or happen to be partnered with me. I want my HOME back.

But of course that's impossible. Mom won't let me go back. But this is horrible. Connections people are going to be learning and getting degrees and credits and everything and I'm going to be stuck rotting at this damned school. I hate it. I hate hiding the majority of my hate so I don't ruin everyone's mood any more than I have.

I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I don't expect you to feel sorry for me. I don't expect you to comfort or pity me. I just wanted to tell someone so maybe I could feel a little bit better.


Maybe someday.

P.S. There are no updates on Phantom of the Opera. My life is too much of a mess right now.

I'll see you all later.
C