Have you ever done something so horrible to a best friend, and got so many people involved in the damage, that you hated yourself for a long while? Well, that's how I feel today. Yesterday I started a fight with K', my best friend, and a lot happened. I'm just relieved she still loves me and can't bear the let me go even after what I did.
Why am I telling you this? Well, it's because everyone else has either already heard my complaints and has done their best to comfort me, or because they were involved in the damage and don't wanna hear about it. So I'm resulting to my last source because they all want the real me back as fast as possible.
But I'm not sure if I can come back. Honestly, (I've been using that word too much lately...) I just want to curl up in the corner and stay there for a few weeks, wallowing in my misery and pain and distrust of myself, until I finally die of starvation. I feel I will have been punished effectively then. A' thinks it's because I'm so hurt. But it's really because I'm so deep in the regret of what I said that it's what I feel I need to do. But A' wouldn't have any of that, and neither would anyone else.
I feel like the only time I'm truly happy anymore is in band, when I take an hour and a half break from life and pull out my alto saxophone and play next to my group of friends, all 50 of them, with the same passion for one single thing: Music. Beautiful, sweet tunes, and loud stomping elephant music. We play it all. And we love it.
I wish life had refunds. I would have used a million for just yesterday to get it right. I would give anything to go back. But I can't. And despite my wants to curl up and die, I can't do that either. I owe it to everyone I hurt to stay alive and not hurt them any more by killing myself.
But Lord, it would be so much easier if I could.
6 comments:
S' is always here for you. If you need comfort, she'll comfort you, if you need someone to just sit there and listen, she'll sit there and listen.
And S' will kill you if you kill yourself. Just remember that there is always more to live for. This is going to pass. God is always there for you 100% of the time. Even when the world has left you behind and beat you down to nothing, God is there to put you in first place and bring you out of the ashes. Just trust Him.
I love you lots, girl, don't for get it(:
I just...need time, I suppose. And to stop hating myself. It gets worse every time I ask for help and every time K' emails me too. So idk.
Yeah, I thought S' would ;) And okay :)
Love you too,
Cassandra Bloom
Call S' if you need to vent, ever, she is here to simply listen and not say anything if you need that(:
Haha okay, I will :)
Phht over exageration. If you know who this is--I'm impressed ;)
I was NOI overexagerating and if the sky was falling and I happened to be the most forgetful person on earth I would STILL know who you are so there :P
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