Have you ever done something so horrible to a best friend, and got so many people involved in the damage, that you hated yourself for a long while? Well, that's how I feel today. Yesterday I started a fight with K', my best friend, and a lot happened. I'm just relieved she still loves me and can't bear the let me go even after what I did.
Why am I telling you this? Well, it's because everyone else has either already heard my complaints and has done their best to comfort me, or because they were involved in the damage and don't wanna hear about it. So I'm resulting to my last source because they all want the real me back as fast as possible.
But I'm not sure if I can come back. Honestly, (I've been using that word too much lately...) I just want to curl up in the corner and stay there for a few weeks, wallowing in my misery and pain and distrust of myself, until I finally die of starvation. I feel I will have been punished effectively then. A' thinks it's because I'm so hurt. But it's really because I'm so deep in the regret of what I said that it's what I feel I need to do. But A' wouldn't have any of that, and neither would anyone else.
I feel like the only time I'm truly happy anymore is in band, when I take an hour and a half break from life and pull out my alto saxophone and play next to my group of friends, all 50 of them, with the same passion for one single thing: Music. Beautiful, sweet tunes, and loud stomping elephant music. We play it all. And we love it.
I wish life had refunds. I would have used a million for just yesterday to get it right. I would give anything to go back. But I can't. And despite my wants to curl up and die, I can't do that either. I owe it to everyone I hurt to stay alive and not hurt them any more by killing myself.
But Lord, it would be so much easier if I could.
